it's been a while... no? and after a hot shower, i don't feel any better...

here i am, finidng myself back where i was a few months ago. i'm once agian want to curl up, and wish existance away. i know why, but i don't understand why i have to feel this way because of it. i know curling up and sobbing isn't gonna make it all better, but why is is that it's the only thing that i want to do right now? why does everything always have to come at once? it's like the big shitty negative part of karma has come around, jus' when everything was going good... jus' like the ying-yang looks, ya know? i should be happy that i'm going' back to school, in fact i've been looking foward to it. now, it's only 2 days away, and i have no fuckin' clue whast going to happen within the next few weeks. as of next thursday i no longer have a job, so therefore i'll no longer have any funds. which means how'm i gonna pay the few bills i have? how'm i gonna get back and forth from shcool? shit... how'm i even gonna find a job that fits into my schedual? i know i'm gonna have to make changes and sacrafices to do it, but i can't see anything but it cutting into the time i need for school. because of work last semiester, i had all teh time i needed, due to the job. now all i can foresee ius a shitty job in service, or someplace of the sort in the dells. i'm prolly not gonna find a job i enjoy, let alone fits me. i refuse to work in any sort of fast food restaurant, and due to past experiences i'm more than a little hessitant about working a normal one. the army i hate isn't enough to supply me since i failed my pt test... $120-some a month doesn't cut it.... i mean, here i was tinking i could continue to work where i am, and then some stupid ass, ignorant closeminded biggot gets put into my supervisors position as he gets a betetr job. i'm sure i gcoulda delt, depending... but now, due to school, i can't because it has teh same hours i need to be in school for... i'm fucked man. it's so fuckin' frustrating, and i can't even conceive a way to let it out. i can't even put it into words right now. all i egt is the rush of anger and frustration... no words, jus' emotion. i'll sit and think about it, and all i wanan do is stop and cry.

i do however, wish heath and jamie the best in their endevours, and know that i have made two great friends

saturday i took my birds down to the fine feathered friends foundation in madison. it's something i've thougth abotu forever, but dreaded. i didn't wanna lose them, they were my best friends. i knwo i needed too, and it wa sthe right thing, but i think abotu them and how freaked ernie was when he got there, and how he was on the way down to madison. it's a wonder i haven't broken down yet. i knwo its for the better, but i can't imagine how horrible they feel... and yet, i feel just as horrible about myself. hjere I am, passing on my best friends like they were some trading card. it's so wrong, but i also know how much of a better life they'll have there. i jsu' wonder if they know truly how i felt about them, even if i didn't have the time/energy to devote to them, like they rightly needed. i'm hoping that the bite ernie gave me witll scar over for a while. it's wierd, but i want it as a reminder to how great they were. was the first time he ever drew blood one me... i feel like i deserved it, like a partner slapping you in the face when they found out you were cheating or soemthing. i feel like that cheating partner... like i'm passing them off 'cause i didn't WANT them anymore, which is as far from the truth as possible. i loved them, and still do... but i jus' don't have the capabilities to properly treat them. i hope, assuming they have the capacity (i know birds are intellegent, but i dunno it they're capabile of) they can forgive me.

:warning spiritual beliefes:

i know that when it is my time, and i do go, they'll be there waiting to terrorize me again. as much as i feel about certain things in life, and not wanting to miss it, i can't wait for that day. i jus' want'm to be happy... but i still feel like such a sell out pawn broker when it comes to the.

/spitiual beliefs

aside from that, i need to get the fuck outta here, but because of work/school, have no conceivable way to do so. then, i havea other issues i've internalized because i'm not sure how to deal with'm. 've pretty much let them fester, and grow like i did with kelly.... and i don't wanna go through that whole shit again. i need to talk to someone, i need to work some shit out, and i need to let this all out. unfortunatly i don't think i could talk to those someones.

"hurt"
-nine inch nails
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way