Yay! it's christmas, and you know what that means? i'm freakin' miserable. actually, it was this day in my sophmore/junior year of hs that i wrote my most violent story, which i think is one of my favorites. but i digress, i hate this time of year. i watch everyone else and their family do the whole holiday thing, sometimes many of them, and i get depressed and jealous. i don't get the chance to do that anymore, and it hurts. ever since my grandma died, so did our traditions. no one seems to care anymore. i mean, fuck the presents, i jus' wanna get together with a large group of people and enjoy a good time, and huge meal. yes, i had my fair share of invites to things, but due to awkwardness and the demand that i come home for ours i didn't go. ours is tomarrow, and i dunno if i even wanna go... i mean, it's jus' gonna be four of us with a meal that everyone knows i dislike. i think the only reason i have to show is jus' 'cause my mom is getting lonley. seperation anxiety, or some shit... i really miss the big holidays... i can't wait until i can start my own traditions...

Yesterday was something else... save yoursel fthe trouble and don't see Unfortunate Events, it sucks balls. both D and i felt the same on this... i ended up feeling really bad because not only did i ask her to a shitty movie, it turned out to be a shitty evening. i mean, i had no clue what to do afterward... fuck, what is there to do anyway? i ended up appologizing more than anything else last night, and i kinda pissed her off with that i think. i tried to stop myself at one point, but it's just so damn hard... i'm lost with her still, and i think it jus' keeps getting deeper. there seesm to be two levels there... theres the level i kinda want, and thats the one that likes her, and wants to be with her and all that hopeless romantic jazz ('ve admitted to myself, and now here, that i am indeed a hopeless romantic... all those storybook/movie ideals and all.) the other level is just apathy... from the time i got to her house until i gave her her xmas gift, i really didn't know what the fuck was goin' on... i jus' didn't care. once she hd her gift however, it was just like it was before. all that shit i felt came back. i'm at the point where, as much as i still want something good to happen, i'll settle for pretty much anything. that scares me... i think we're pretty much through, in terms of having anything other than a friendship, but i dunno yet. i hate time so freaking much... when i want it to pass, it never fucking does. on an up note, i ended up giving her the best present this year. that makes me feel good. i guess i'd just like to hang out with her, spend some REAL quality time her, and just have real conversations that i don't stumble through and make confusing. Last night i was so lost so idecided to drop her off at her place after the movie. we ended up sitting in the car for 5-10 min. i think she thought i wanted to come up (yes, i did but it wasn't something i was pushing for at all... and i actually didn't expect to) while i jsut wanted to go home and stew in my juices. i don't even fukcin' know where i was going with that...

i know that last paragraph made no sense whatsoever... my head is jus' a pile of words and feelings. nothing comming out makes much sense

lets try to make it simple. i like her lots, but at times all i feel is apathy. i think that apathy comes from that fact that i've convinced myself that nothign is going to happen. as long as i'm with her, i don't give a shit about what we do, as i'm perfectly content just being in her presence. if i can make her smile, and laugh, i'm good.* my hopes are so high, yet there is nothing supporting them. they're just floating on an ideal, and romantic idea thats prolly going to crumble. i wish i could make up my mind and convince myself of all the good things instead of all the negative.

The other day, while sitting at kitchen with Cody, i did come to a realization. How many people even get a shot at soemone even close to their ideal companion? I've gotten that... and i've enjoied it all immensly, even if i'm depressed half the time. i'll always have that under my belt. if this doesn't work out, oh well... i got to do soemthing the majority never gets to. i will always be thankful for that.

Today i also made Kellys' xmas with her gift. thats kidna cool that i've managed to do that for two people. two gifts given so far and both have been dubbed the best ones by both parties. that makes me feel good.

as far as kelly goes, i'll admit outwardly that i still think there is something there for her. something tiny, and far away. its kind of annoying at times. i've decided that i'm done with her in that manner though. besides, she's got a boyfriend. if it happens, cool but i'm not gonna go in with two guns blazing like i did once before... even less of a chance since i'm still doing everythign i can to remain in D's good graces. as for her boyfriend, i'm ready to admit something else. one of the reasons i dislike him so much has to do with jealousy. yes, i am jealous of him... what the fuck else can i say? i feel out of place around him. its not soemthing i can hold agianst kelly, and i won't. i'm just jealous that he gets the chance that i didn't. but shes in the past, and we're better of now. i mean dude, i fucking bought her underware for xmas. hmm... i do have to wonder if shes going to tell him about it, and what he'll say. fuck'm, i'm convinced he doesn't like me anyway.

*we had a convseration one night, the night when she told me what she wanted and what her opinions/feels about it were. in this conversation she said i made'er smile, i made'er laugh, and that she felt comfortable with me. I'm not sure, but i think there was a but thereafter... i doon't wanna dwell on that too much, but it feels like i've got something to hold onto because of that. how sad is it when you base all of your hope and wishes upon something you don't remember the end to, and that they don't seem to offer up half the time.

The lyrics i wanted to put here were for a song by sister machine gun called "not my god," and if someone can find them for me i'll be more than greatful. God knows i've tried for atleast an hour... other than three songs, i don't think the lyrics even exists to any SMG song on the net. instead, i offer you a much less relavent/satisfying selection for this post. it's close, but it forecasts an end i do not want to see

Gone
-Jerry Cantrell

All dreams have died along the way
I coughed up the price, I bought a cage
I've had a hell of a time since I went away
Don't know when I died or where to lay down

Gone, gone away
Yeah, gone, gone away

God knows I've tried, I'm dyed in pain
Strong yet simple drive, the freedom to say
I've had a hell of a time since I went away
Homing on traces of light, that distance fades

Yeah, I'm gone, gone away
Yeah, I'm gone, gone away

So they say with time we slowly heal
I caught a flash of your smile throught the fog of a dream
I'll have a hell of a time, I clearly see
I can't be by your side, I'll see you when I sleep

Now you're gone...gone away
Yeah you're gone...gone away