Well,the good news is i didn't fuck up as bad as i thought i did. the bad news is, i still feel like shit alot of teh time. that may be because its my version of 'that time of month' for me. yeah, this weekend i get to go through that shit again. it always seems that shit peaks around now, every month...
so yeah, D and i are still friends. really close it seems at times, to the point of more once in a ahwile, but than other times we're really distant. its frustrating as all hell. It doesn't help that i'm a shy, spineless loser either. even the simiplest affections are hard for me to get across now. to me, all the shit seems like it'd be worth it if it happened. i've gotta wonder, if someone was around us when we hung out, if it would seem like taht to them. i mena, they only hear my, most likely skewed/biased, side of teh story. wonder what the truth really looks like. earlier i was talking with Desperado, and used teh analogy of climbing mt everest with only a toothpick. its so hard, and damn near impossible. the tooth pick is so fragile that its a wonder anythign happens. sure, if i got to the summit it'd be that much sweeter, but look how far the fall would be. anyway, she knows where i stand with us, and i understand where she is. she even acknowledges that i have an interest. eveything cleared itself up to me on new years eve when we talked. i couldn't believe how blind i was when we first talked. we kidna fell away over break, but talked once in a while. than break started to wind down, and we hung out one last time before class started. was fun, and i forgot how much i missed hanging out with her. even now, i still miss it and its only been a day, and on top of that, i had a class with her today. shit, three days in a row i have classes with her. thats cool, and i love it, but its still not hanging out. i just miss so many aspects of early on... i'm fuckin' dumb, i quit... i can't say anything that makes sense, and i'm just bringing more bullshit drama into it all. i want things to not be so weird anymore. i want to not be so shy anymore. i want something thats not viewed through a fogged window. its the whole drug thing again... people being the most addictive thing of all. especally that one that you try to make 'the one.' i don't wanna go through this unhappy, i'm alone and pitful bullshit any more. it makes me sick... i'm still jealous of other couples. i'lls ee them, like always, and leave. i'd liekt o be happy for them, but if i'm in the same area as a couple, i get outta there as soon as i can. i feel so uncomfortable with it. its a slap in the face, and all i can do is sit there and take it repeatedly. i was asked to a concert in chicago by one... the fact that i didn't like the bands didn't relaly deter me much. it was the fact that it was me, a friend, and her sig other. yeha, woo.. thats real fucking fun for me. i'm sure you ment well, and i'm not tryin' to offend, but why don't you just shoot me in teh head? it'll make the suffering easier. when ever i hang out with kelly, if ben shows up, i bolt. some of it becuase i'm not fond of him, some of it because i'm jealous (more than i'd care to admit,) but whatever is left is beacuse i can't stand being around them. i'm tired of waiting for my time. i want my 15 minutes of extended, reciprocated happyness. is that too fucking much to ask?
people invited me to a party at ryans, and tell me whos there, or who plans to show up. if it was more than just people coupled off i might considered show up. whats worse, is people kept callign me about comming over. yeha, make the loser feel even more out of place. make it even worse by being a really close friend, and wasted outta your fuckin' head... once again, not to offend, but damn... could youi please make me feel any worse about it?
i keep thinking about how D and i were... and how slow its going in getting back to that, if it ever happens, and i want my fetal position. i want tears, i want everyuthing to just eitehr end, or solve itself. i dont' care which one. i'm tired of talk, and tired of speculation. yes, its part of lifes circle of bullshit, i know... i'm not asking for fairness, i'm asking for one turn compaired to everyone elses. I know this is comming out as bithc, moan, whine, complain i'm not happy, angstangstangst, 13 year old girl, but fuck you. what the fuck am i supposed to do when i can't take that shit anymore?! i'm open to any valid fuckin' ideas you may have. oh, and just so you know... "calm down" doesn't count as anything other than, "fuck you, shut up." woo! you can say calm down all you want, but until i see soemthing happen,that justa in't gonna happen.
wheres my HC when i need it... sure, the sleep sucked, but atleast i could deal with anything that came up. i'd be happy if i could have that little bit of piece one more time. unfortunatly, short of asking soemone for it, or buying it, its not gonna land in my lap.
when we're close, i smile, and i'm happy. i treasure that time. she leaves me wanting more.
when we're distant, i wonder what i'm doing wrong, and feel awkward. i'm the 600 lb, bearded elephant woman.
Dreams
-Zug Izland
Are you climbing up a slippery pole? (pole)
Fallin Deep In A Hole? (deep in a hole)
Fallin Down
Are you lost in an exitless maze,
Chasing impossible ways?
Are you runnin up a slippery hill?
Are you going to spill?
Can't you build a snowman in the desert?
Are You chasing an imaginary treasure?
Walls, they go under and there over the top (over the top)
They haven't made a cage strong enough to keep 'em keep 'em keep 'em (Keep 'Em)
Mountains are enormous, but they all have a top
It's up to someone with a dream to come and reach 'em reach 'em reach 'em (Reach 'Em)
It's Just A Dream
You're Only Dreamin'
Another Dream
Will love be yours, if so, will it last? (will it last)
When the summer's past, summers past (yeah)
When you're alone, starin up at the moon (up at the moon)
Is it staring at you (staring at you)
You're lucky dime you didn't mean to spend
Will you ever see it again? (see it again)
Walls, they go under then there over the top (over the top)
They haven't made a cage strong enough to keep 'em keep 'em keep 'em (Keep 'Em)
Mountains are enormous, but they all have a top
It's up to someone with a dream to come and reach 'em reach 'em reach 'em (Come Reach 'Em)
It's Just A Dream
You're Only Dreamin'
Another Dream
Walls, they go under then there over the top (over the top!)
They haven't made a cage strong enough to keep 'em keep 'em keep 'em(Strong Enough To Keep 'Em!)
Mountains are enormous, but they all have a top (They All Have A Top!)
It's up to someone with a dream to come and reach 'em reach 'em reach 'em(Come And Reach 'Em!)
Yeah, come and reach em
Only a dream
It's just a dream
It's just a dream
And then they go on in your head and you would scream
Holdin Back your dreams
Yeah, ohh, holdin back your dreams
Yeah, Hold Always Dreamin' Never Always Dreamin'
