I'm really freakin' tired. I'm lazy, and as bad as it sounds/much as it scares me, i kinds wish i still had soem HC hidden away someplace. I've actually been this way for a while now. If someone honestly offered me some, i'd prolly take it gladly. That scares me... and i know better, but damn... I mean, certain drugs are ok in my eyes ( the lighter/naturla things, mj, opium as long as it's not synthetic, ie: heroin) but not these. it's horrible how messed i am, and i only was into it what, for 30 doses. Even now, i still get kinda dizzy/light headed like they did, but it's all in my head, like my cocleal fluid is all messed up. Get some massive head aches sometimes too... But i still want'm. The other week in intro to theator, the instructor had us do this aural meditation/yoga thing where we were supposed to jus' lay there and listen to him narrate and do what he tells us... "inhale and hold the oxygen as it flows aorund you/imagine this..." yeah, it was really hard for me. i ended up gettin' really dizzy/lightheaded, i felt like i was spinnig and shit as he went on with this... i was mad depressed by the time it was over too... i jus' sat there, quiet, which is kinda unusual for me in class. no participation after that was done whatsoever... it sucked. i was genuinly scared... I think that may have something to do why i've not been interested in hanging out with certain people as much as i used to... No offense or anything to them is ment in anyway at all. i jus' don't think my willpower is what it used to be, and i don't wanna be around any of it at all right now...
On a better note, the last few weeks (aside from drill) have been ok. I've taken D to lunch a few times, brought it once, and we managed to hang out once. I think i'm really into this girl, but than... when that happens, you always say things like that i've realized. "Oh, this is different than the last time!" usualy, no.. it's not, it jus' seems that way 'cause you want it to be special and all, and for it to the right one. Deep down, you know it isn't different at all... but the illusion is still there. I think it has to do with it being a different face/personality. So anywya, we get along, and seem to have alot of fun when we do talk and are in the company of the other. I still reaffirm my goal as not being of the physical nature no matter what anyone says. yes, it's been 21 years for me to do what most people have done by 12-13, an that seems like quite a bit of excess. I guess i'm also putting alot more effort into her than i've ever done with anyone else before. I'm actually tryin' to be somehwta creative with things. I've gotten a bit more courageous as well i've found out. But still not like the top-o-the mountain or anything. John related to me about how he is still nervous when he manages to get this far. i dunno if it was him tryin' to build me up or anything, but i guess i could see it. the whole, anxious to mee the one thing. -shrug- i'm rambling/ranting and i don't care. i jus' wanna vent i guess. so yeha, i think i like this girl... i dunno. still though, i'm confused and lost... liek i said, this is i think the first time i've put some much effort into things. i'm tired of nothing happening, and waiting for crap... bad luck, excuses, timing, whatever... it's all bs i think. i still need all the help i can get though... As i did tell'er, "in old man speak, i 'fancy' you." yeah, that was lame and cheese. i said it though... don't think i've ever said that to anyone else... might've don't remember. maybe i jus' refuse to acknowledge it... i dunno, and it doesn't matter -bah- i want it to happen... i think i like this girl, and i'm tired of this hermit, pitiful shit.
completely unrelated note... new car. 2005 volkswagon Jetta. "galactic(dark)" blue. had it for about 4-6 weeks now...
No Excuses
-Alice in Chains
It's alright
There comes a time
Got no patience to search
For peace of mind
Layin' low
Want to take it slow
No more hiding or
Disguising truths I've sold
Everyday it's something
Hits me all so cold
Find me sittin' by myself
No excuses, then I know
It's okay
Had a bad day
Hands are bruised from
Breaking rocks all day
Drained and blue
I bleed for you
You think it's funny, well
You're drowning in it too
Everyday it’s something
Hits me all so cold
Find me sittin’ by myself
No excuses, then I know
Yeah, it's fine
We'll walk down the line
Leave our rain, a cold
Trade for warm sunshine
You my friend
I will defend
And if we change, well I
Love you anyway
Everyday it’s something
Hits me all so cold
Find me sittin’ by myself
No excuses, then I know
