Ok, the place holder is now gone, so llets jus' drive right into all sorts of shit, ok!

Let me start of by sayin' i'm sick fo watching everyone elses relationships bud, blossom, and then grow. I'm fuckin' tired of it. I can honestly say it makes me sick, and eats away my stomach like a worm. I'm more likely than not, jealous of it all. I jus' can't fucking stand it. I used to watch it and ask when will i ever get that chance. In the last two days i've lost sight of what i had going. I woke up and was blind. Who knows, maybe i've jus' over exaggerating this and all, and creating drama (God help me if its all i'm doing.) I'm missing something some place. i jus' fucking hate it... I dunno if thats all, or whatnot, but the last few days i've been down in the dumps when i'm not doing anything. as long as i keep busy i'm ok, but once a game stops to load, or if it gets quiet, i slump down. i'm fucking tired of it. i want soemthing else other than the shit bottom. I dunno if i have it or not anymore. nothign happened, but i'm jus' failing to keep my eyes open. i'm rambling. fuck you

Ok, now on with the list...

People are the most potent drug of all. Twice now i've crashed at D's apt. Twice now i've ended up sleeping next to her. its been kinda weird sleeping at home since then. i'm fucking lost, and confused. I'm scared once agian. All the courage that i've been building up since i spewed to Kelly seems to have drained away. I feel that i need to talk to her, and jus' vent. I have ideas of what, but it'll all come out in an after school special sort fo way, with me feeling like the goon tryin' to tell soemone to say no to drugs, or not to steal that money. theres a self consiousness there that i don't remember being this large. certain things lately have made me see alot of other things in a new light. try new things, you've got nothing to lose. shit like that. now i sit here (and i did when i first met her) and wonder if i should call. I don't wanna be clingy or pushy, and i'm afraid thats how i'm being every single time i call. I'm afraid that by doing that, i'm stepping on toes and forcing her into situations that she doesn't want to be in. even if thats not the case, it's still how i feel when i do such things. I like this girl. Hardcore. I'm jus' afraid that it'll all end up like evey other relationship i've ever attempted to start does. i dunno if i can take that much more. i've done nothing but build up bad luck/karma/whatnot when it comes to shit like this, and i'm FUCKING TIRED OF IT! i want what everyone else can get. i want what everyone else around me seems to have. I want what everyone else around me seems to have no problem finding whatsoever. why the fuck do i have to be the only fucking person that sits in the corner and rots, watchign everyone else smile, and enjoy whoever they pair off with. i want my person to pair off with. i want to be one of the crowd. for once, i want to conform into what everyone else has/can find/get. i'm tired of sitting at home, feeling depressed with a huge pit in my stomach, and childish dellusions in my head about things i want to say to this person, or what to do if that situation comes up. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT! It's like i'm at a carnival at the duck pond game, but all the ducks are gone and the only thing for me to do is reach into shitty water with nothing but piranahs.

Fuck old friends. Josh Duncan is the only person that i think i can still tollerate from high school, but it's been so long i dunno if it's true. i knew who he was a few years ago, but i have no clue who he is now. i should call'm some time... eveyone that i knew/was friends with in my high school year can fuck off. i see the ones that i need to enough.
spyder has a family, and thats great for him. he pisses me off now though... and it's not becuase of the family, but he jus' rubs me the wrong way. i'm happy with seeing him once a month. the less, the better. yes, at once in my life he was a good friend, but i think he's served his purpose, whatever it was.
Q can go fucking shoot himself in the head for all i care. he's use less, and is going nowhere. maybe i'll talk to him again someday as a friend/equal/brother when he gets his head out of his ass and tries to start something.
of all the people i met/associated with in school, David is still the only one i actually consider worth while. he's been places and done things the rest of the people i associated with would only dream of. even if it's soemthing small and miniscule like owning something larger than $100 pants. i'm not riding his nuts, but yeah, i do look up to him, on some levels i'd even say i may be a bit jealous of him. yes, i don't hang out with him much anymore, and that does kinda irk me, but i don't feel any less about him. i need more people like him in my life to remind me why i still deal with the shit i do have to deal with (which may not seem like much, but it's fuckin' tearing me apart.) i need the reminder of what may come in the future. i need more people like him to remind me that there are people unlike Q, Jacy, or my fuckin' useless uncle in the world. I need people like that to help point me in the direction of my goal, and legacy, to keep me on that path. i think thats why i try to be around the people in the game room (majority at least,) and recently D, as much as i try to be. it helps make me feel less lonely, and reenforce the positive.

Maybe me moving soon will help alot with this. It'll be easier to invite people over to hang out, and i won't feel so self concsious about it since i won't be living with mom anymore. Plus, i'll be closer to all those people that i do associate with. I'll be able to get more, often. like another drug. just what i fucking need. maybe it's a good thing i've never been into drugs. i'd get too fuckign addicted to them all. alot of people told me i have a strong willpower, but i think it's failing lately. shit is starting to take its toll. anywya, sometime after thxgiving, prolly after the first week of dec, i'll be moving in with Chris and John in Baraboo. i'm happy that i found a place, and owe Chris more than he could ever know for this. lately he's been doing alot, and i've foudn out what kind of friend he is. dude even invited me to thanksgiving with him, cody and his grandparents if my plans didn't happen (prolly aren't), alhtough i'd feel really outta place. goes back to my dislike of watching others relationships. i'd be a third wheel without anyone to pair off with. it all fuckin' comes back to that...

schools been kinda wierd lately. i'm having trouble keeping up with some of the shit. i'm gettin' scared and stressed out about it, 'cause i don't wanna be in school any longer than i absolutley need to be. at least i'm doing something with my life, even if i have no freakin' clue what i wanna do with it. step in the right direction.

Burn
-Sister Machine Gun

I look at you and then I see your fire
And I'm thinking 'bout desire
Yes I'm thinking 'bout desire
Telling me things that you try to hide
And I'm burning up inside
Oh how I'm burning up inside
When I think about the first time that I saw your face
I never felt this way
No I never felt this way
And now I'm thinkin' that you feel the same
And I hope if there's anyway
I'll get down on my knees and pray

You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same
You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same

What kind of fool am I
To want your body next to mine?
I want your body next to mine
I need you anytime
And I'm breaking down inside
Oh lord I'm breaking down inside
You cover me with all your hopeless fantasies I never had before
No I never had before
And now I'm living in my own reality 'cause of the things you did to me
Oh the things you did to me

You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same
You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same

You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same
You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same

You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same
You're like a burnin' flame
And I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same