Wow, its been less than a month, not bad. This has been a long time comming, but i'm such a procrastinator.
anywho, Dan says i never post antyhing about him, so to curb his whining... The otehr day, Jereimiah and us were just chatting, and teh subject of dating/ect came up. it was wierd, as i saw alot of paralleles between dan and myself. it felt betetr just to hear him discribe his situataion and such. it was like what he was saying, was almost what i wanted to say, but am to shy to discuss. i mean, i usualy steer the convo away from those subjects if they involve me. It was hard to determine, and still is, who is farther along the road. we seem to be pretty close, even though hes chased longer; theres alot of the same expereiences and such. I texted him not too logn after that day, and asked him how he delt with the thoughts about his intrest. Told me he hasn't found a way. i had the feelign that was going to come out, but it was about as much comfort as discomfort knowing that. there is otehrs out there taht go through the same shit. i know this, its natural and such, but until someone tells you, its hard to believe. even now, since its a few weeks ago, its getting cloudy again that others do fell like taht; that there soemone occupies the majority of their thoughts. i still realize people do, but its hard to recognize that. listening to him talk about does help a little( read; moutains.) at least he got the slap in teh face... i have the suspision i may be getting fucked in the ass. it hurts to think that, and i'd rather not, but without some sort of positive reinforcment, i can't help it. eitehr way, he has my best.
as far as D goes... its still teh same. when we click, everything is good, but when soemthign is up, theres alot of distance there. it hurts. it realyl does. i know its not her fault, and the only thing i can do about it is deal. she knows how i feel. i've more or less figrued that nothings going to happen. tehres still the hope and prayer, but i don't think much will come of it. my faith in that dept is all but gone. at first, when i met her, i had nothing, NOTHING to lose. now, it feels liek a whole different story. now that shes here its the complete opposite; i've everythign to lose. i'm all in, with ace high at best. its not a very comforting thing. i wonder why i have to put people on pillars like that. i know they're gonan fall, and its gonna hurt. i'm tired of the shit i think. i'm tired of making excuses too... i wish i'd stop rationalizing everything like that. if someone asked me what i wanted most rght now, i think being content would fall to the number 2 slot, while companionship would takes its place. i still don't like couples, they still make me feel awkward. and i'm rationalizing again...
summerize. i'm tired of the shit that i feel. i want my 15 min, as i've said. i want teh emotional support of someonethere, and i want to stop bitchign about it so much.
a friend at school had me read this earlier, and its so right that i wish it wasn't. it doesn't quite apply to there here and now, but it has before. thanks Nick.
http://www.oh-snap.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1319&highlight=odei can recall an example of everyone of these. it just makes it that much worse.
The Patient-TooLA groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.I
s this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.
But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.
Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).
If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.
If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.
Gonna wait it out.
