Blah. Is it right to be depressed when you're by yourself? Or how about when you're not around certain people in particular? Yeah, guess who that'd be. I've come to accept that maybe i'm wanting things to happen too fast, at least internally. The only thing that I can do about it, that i can see, is just to keep myself in check, which of course is easier said than done. I've realized this, and have tried to do this. It's jus' really freakin' hard. Yes, i'm excited, and i think i'm entitlted to that, but i also think that because of that i'm a little more dense, blind and more critical of myself after things have happened.

For example, i'll hang out with her. We generally have a good time through out the time i'm there. Converse, joke, enjoy each others presence and generally theres a good bye kiss. I'll usualy not think about things to deeply, and jus' enjoy the company. I leave, and start to think as i drive. I become over analytical about the events. "Did this go right?" "Why didn't i say that?" and than a big one, "Should i have done more?" I mean yes, those worries are gonna be there no matter what. Kind of natural, it seems. I jus' dwell on them. I know they're nothing super important at this time, but it doesn't matter. I tell myself not to worry, and that it's ok, but it doesn't matter. I still latch onto that. It's like i'm expecting this to fail, and i'm tryin' to tell myself that it's going to end up that way because i'm moving to fast internally. I'm trying to slow down. Maybe this week long drill away will help me. Goes back to relationships being the worst drug of all. While you're with them, eveything is wonderful and nothing can go wrong, but when you leave, you get so caught up in that person while you're not with them, that you worry yourself sick and began with the self-information, convincing yourself that all is not well. You know it is, but you can't help but think otherwise. Maybe i can cleanse my system of some of the shit, and jus' relax knowing i really won't be able to get in touch with'er for the most part. -crosses fingers- If not, i'll jus' be a gibbering blob of nonsense by Monday morning.

Take a breath, and don't worry so damn much. Everything is jus' as good as it should be. It's still early on, i mean you've only been seein' her for a freakin' month! You've both got similar concerns with this, so in due time things will right themselves. Jus' make failure not an option.

"The Becoming"
-nine inch nails

i beat my machine
it's a part of me
it's inside of me
i'm stuck in this dream
it's changing me
i am becoming

the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs he is broken and sore
the me that you know he doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore

all pain disappears
it's the nature of
of my circuitry
drowns out all i hear
there's no escape from this
my new consciousness

the me that you know he used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away

i can try to get away but i've strapped myself in
i can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
i can see it killing away all of my bad parts
i don't want to listen but it's all too clear

hiding backwards inside of me
i feel so unafraid
annie, hold a little tighter
i might just slip away

it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head