:Sodomy:Sarcasim:Senility:[BlackOut Box]

Saturday, August 27, 2005

welp... things have been fun lately... Best friend moved to Australlia, 2 otehr really close friends moving away, mom and i are at each otehrs throats once again, i need to get the fuck outta here, service industry and the dumb cunts involved. yeah, i'm sure it doesn't much to you, but fuck you and all that shit.

David moved on tuesday. i hung out with him all monday. i had pasta like i promised him. shit has jus' gone down hill since he left it seems. its prolly coincidence, but whatever. its gonna suck without him. i think i spent more time with him in general, than i did with any othe the other peopel i hung out with. and i hung out with cody/kelly lots. who knows, maybe with school comming up here in the future, stuff'll be easier. one thing for sure, i'll have more time for homnewrok, so maybe i'll actaully pass teh shit i need to instead of fuckin' things up. so yeha, david... i think the only good thing about losing close friends, is you end up getting cool shit from'm. though, thats not all that good either. i won't front, the ride home wasn't too fun. at least that family knows theres nothign i wouldn't do for'm. one of the very few.

on top of that, jerimiah moved away the other week to start up his education in CA, and ryan moves to whitewater on monday to contiue his. at leats he'll be close enough to visit.

mom and i are ripping each other apart again. i need out seriously as i cannot do this anymore. anysort of getting away is good enough for me, but it won't be temporary. i've got a feeling that once i'm outta t5he house for good, i won't even talk to mom anymore. as of now, that doesn't hurt me, but i'm worried about grandpa. i'll miss him a ton. it makes me sa about that since i know i'll get too lazy to stay in contact. i hope that doesn't happen with david. -heh- i'm switching wow servers to help with that at least. as sappy/shitty as it sounds, i think i can credit that man for almost as much as hubie. major influence. i mean shit, he's never wrong.

service industry. i hate it. i always have. if it wasn't for the fact that i NEED the job, i'd be fuckin' outta there. there a few decent people, but over all they're fuckin' over dramatic dumb cunts. it makes me sad tat people have to be like that. that they need to be sao caught up in themselves that theuy're the only focus. wait... thats what blogs are, right..? hopefully this radio job i've been lookin' into comes through. i'm so excited about the opportunity.

Elmo blacked out at 11:04 AM

Friday, June 03, 2005

well.. its that time of year again, AT. i was doin good until i actually got to the laod drill, now i just wanan curl up and cry. if any of you guys wanna send me a supportive/motivational text/voice mail i'll be more than happy to just listen to it. i feel so shitty right now... and i'll have to be there until the 15th. i hate it so much.

please, send me lines.. i'm begging.

anywho, since this isn't anythign but a pitiful cry for help, no lyrics... and i'll prolly delete it later

PLACE HOLDER

1) fiona

Elmo blacked out at 8:48 PM

Friday, May 06, 2005

i haddn't plan on saying anythign until sunday when i actually had free time i could spend. due to recent events however, i need this.

so there i was, procrastinating to go home and pack for drill when my phone rings. its the last fucking thing in the world that i'd ever want. its the unit. we got alerted. yay. joy. shoot me now. what does that mean? well.. it basicly means that i get to go over to the big fuckup. yeha, ownderful. i swear to God the first person that cracks the slightest joke will not like it. i dunno why i;ve even typing this, its not liek you guys can do anythign for me, and yet i njeed so much freaking help. i'm sitting here balling my ass off. i want nothign more than to just be dead at this moment. i don't care what others feel, it'd make me happy at leasgt and get me outta this bull shit. i've always acknoledge\d the fact that the army was the biggest fucking mistake i ever made, and now look what i get. how much bad fucking karma did i build up? why the fuck now... why when i'm 4 FUCKING CREDITS away way from my associates? why when friends are leaving. why when i'm ontop of everythign and happy again? why? some one just shoot me in the fucking head and get it over with. this pulls me outta my agreement with DeAnna to be her room mate, so i don't have to worry about that. yippie... fuckin' A... shoot me in the open fucking mouthl.

guys, i need your help. i don't have the slighets clue what you can do for me, and i don't even know why i'm asking for it. just, whatever... i know you told me david, i fucking know it. and i wish i woulda listened. i just can't get thta outta my head. this is the one fucking time i wish i didn't know you. the only thing there is the echo of "you won't like it, i'm tellin' ya man." just shut the fuck up already. and here i am ripping into david because he was rtight, and because of something he said years ago. its not his faut, i i fuckin' start into him... how unfair is that? i knwo some of you scoff at religion, and God and such... but whatever you're into, just do it... please.

God i need so many things right now, and yet i have no fucking clue what i need. i hate it. when i figure out somehting that i can count on everythign gets fuckin' outta hand at once. fuck it... i'm tired of doing oshit for peopel because its what THEY want me to. why did i have to listen to chris and have him talk me into joiining when i still wasn't sure. why do i have to be so fuckign docile!? fucking a... when is it my turn to do soemthing because its what -I- want to do?

and of course, on top of everything, blogger has to eat my fucking post, thanks. THANKs a whole fucing lot.

fuck it, i quit... none of this is even making sense, anyway.

[b]The Hand That Feeds[/b]
[i]-nine inch nails[/i]

You're keeping in step
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Because you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

So naive
I keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
But I keep holding on and on and on and on

Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?
Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?
Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?
Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?
Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?
Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?
Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?
Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?

Elmo blacked out at 12:17 PM

Thursday, May 05, 2005

ok, right now this is just a place holder post. as you can see, its been redone and a new comment system has been placed. the other one seemed to die and since i don't use blogger templates, i'm not to sure how to enable blogger comments on it (dun no where to place codes and such). keep tuned for updates

list of posting stuff

1) roommate and thoughts
2) school
3) general stuff (concerts/happenings/ect)
4) job

Elmo blacked out at 8:34 PM

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Wow, its been less than a month, not bad. This has been a long time comming, but i'm such a procrastinator.

anywho, Dan says i never post antyhing about him, so to curb his whining... The otehr day, Jereimiah and us were just chatting, and teh subject of dating/ect came up. it was wierd, as i saw alot of paralleles between dan and myself. it felt betetr just to hear him discribe his situataion and such. it was like what he was saying, was almost what i wanted to say, but am to shy to discuss. i mean, i usualy steer the convo away from those subjects if they involve me. It was hard to determine, and still is, who is farther along the road. we seem to be pretty close, even though hes chased longer; theres alot of the same expereiences and such. I texted him not too logn after that day, and asked him how he delt with the thoughts about his intrest. Told me he hasn't found a way. i had the feelign that was going to come out, but it was about as much comfort as discomfort knowing that. there is otehrs out there taht go through the same shit. i know this, its natural and such, but until someone tells you, its hard to believe. even now, since its a few weeks ago, its getting cloudy again that others do fell like taht; that there soemone occupies the majority of their thoughts. i still realize people do, but its hard to recognize that. listening to him talk about does help a little( read; moutains.) at least he got the slap in teh face... i have the suspision i may be getting fucked in the ass. it hurts to think that, and i'd rather not, but without some sort of positive reinforcment, i can't help it. eitehr way, he has my best.

as far as D goes... its still teh same. when we click, everything is good, but when soemthign is up, theres alot of distance there. it hurts. it realyl does. i know its not her fault, and the only thing i can do about it is deal. she knows how i feel. i've more or less figrued that nothings going to happen. tehres still the hope and prayer, but i don't think much will come of it. my faith in that dept is all but gone. at first, when i met her, i had nothing, NOTHING to lose. now, it feels liek a whole different story. now that shes here its the complete opposite; i've everythign to lose. i'm all in, with ace high at best. its not a very comforting thing. i wonder why i have to put people on pillars like that. i know they're gonan fall, and its gonna hurt. i'm tired of the shit i think. i'm tired of making excuses too... i wish i'd stop rationalizing everything like that. if someone asked me what i wanted most rght now, i think being content would fall to the number 2 slot, while companionship would takes its place. i still don't like couples, they still make me feel awkward. and i'm rationalizing again...

summerize. i'm tired of the shit that i feel. i want my 15 min, as i've said. i want teh emotional support of someonethere, and i want to stop bitchign about it so much.

a friend at school had me read this earlier, and its so right that i wish it wasn't. it doesn't quite apply to there here and now, but it has before. thanks Nick.
http://www.oh-snap.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1319&highlight=ode
i can recall an example of everyone of these. it just makes it that much worse.

The Patient
-TooL

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.I
s this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

Elmo blacked out at 4:50 PM

Friday, February 04, 2005

Well,the good news is i didn't fuck up as bad as i thought i did. the bad news is, i still feel like shit alot of teh time. that may be because its my version of 'that time of month' for me. yeah, this weekend i get to go through that shit again. it always seems that shit peaks around now, every month...

so yeah, D and i are still friends. really close it seems at times, to the point of more once in a ahwile, but than other times we're really distant. its frustrating as all hell. It doesn't help that i'm a shy, spineless loser either. even the simiplest affections are hard for me to get across now. to me, all the shit seems like it'd be worth it if it happened. i've gotta wonder, if someone was around us when we hung out, if it would seem like taht to them. i mena, they only hear my, most likely skewed/biased, side of teh story. wonder what the truth really looks like. earlier i was talking with Desperado, and used teh analogy of climbing mt everest with only a toothpick. its so hard, and damn near impossible. the tooth pick is so fragile that its a wonder anythign happens. sure, if i got to the summit it'd be that much sweeter, but look how far the fall would be. anyway, she knows where i stand with us, and i understand where she is. she even acknowledges that i have an interest. eveything cleared itself up to me on new years eve when we talked. i couldn't believe how blind i was when we first talked. we kidna fell away over break, but talked once in a while. than break started to wind down, and we hung out one last time before class started. was fun, and i forgot how much i missed hanging out with her. even now, i still miss it and its only been a day, and on top of that, i had a class with her today. shit, three days in a row i have classes with her. thats cool, and i love it, but its still not hanging out. i just miss so many aspects of early on... i'm fuckin' dumb, i quit... i can't say anything that makes sense, and i'm just bringing more bullshit drama into it all. i want things to not be so weird anymore. i want to not be so shy anymore. i want something thats not viewed through a fogged window. its the whole drug thing again... people being the most addictive thing of all. especally that one that you try to make 'the one.' i don't wanna go through this unhappy, i'm alone and pitful bullshit any more. it makes me sick... i'm still jealous of other couples. i'lls ee them, like always, and leave. i'd liekt o be happy for them, but if i'm in the same area as a couple, i get outta there as soon as i can. i feel so uncomfortable with it. its a slap in the face, and all i can do is sit there and take it repeatedly. i was asked to a concert in chicago by one... the fact that i didn't like the bands didn't relaly deter me much. it was the fact that it was me, a friend, and her sig other. yeha, woo.. thats real fucking fun for me. i'm sure you ment well, and i'm not tryin' to offend, but why don't you just shoot me in teh head? it'll make the suffering easier. when ever i hang out with kelly, if ben shows up, i bolt. some of it becuase i'm not fond of him, some of it because i'm jealous (more than i'd care to admit,) but whatever is left is beacuse i can't stand being around them. i'm tired of waiting for my time. i want my 15 minutes of extended, reciprocated happyness. is that too fucking much to ask?

people invited me to a party at ryans, and tell me whos there, or who plans to show up. if it was more than just people coupled off i might considered show up. whats worse, is people kept callign me about comming over. yeha, make the loser feel even more out of place. make it even worse by being a really close friend, and wasted outta your fuckin' head... once again, not to offend, but damn... could youi please make me feel any worse about it?

i keep thinking about how D and i were... and how slow its going in getting back to that, if it ever happens, and i want my fetal position. i want tears, i want everyuthing to just eitehr end, or solve itself. i dont' care which one. i'm tired of talk, and tired of speculation. yes, its part of lifes circle of bullshit, i know... i'm not asking for fairness, i'm asking for one turn compaired to everyone elses. I know this is comming out as bithc, moan, whine, complain i'm not happy, angstangstangst, 13 year old girl, but fuck you. what the fuck am i supposed to do when i can't take that shit anymore?! i'm open to any valid fuckin' ideas you may have. oh, and just so you know... "calm down" doesn't count as anything other than, "fuck you, shut up." woo! you can say calm down all you want, but until i see soemthing happen,that justa in't gonna happen.

wheres my HC when i need it... sure, the sleep sucked, but atleast i could deal with anything that came up. i'd be happy if i could have that little bit of piece one more time. unfortunatly, short of asking soemone for it, or buying it, its not gonna land in my lap.

when we're close, i smile, and i'm happy. i treasure that time. she leaves me wanting more.

when we're distant, i wonder what i'm doing wrong, and feel awkward. i'm the 600 lb, bearded elephant woman.

Dreams
-Zug Izland

Are you climbing up a slippery pole? (pole)
Fallin Deep In A Hole? (deep in a hole)
Fallin Down
Are you lost in an exitless maze,
Chasing impossible ways?

Are you runnin up a slippery hill?
Are you going to spill?
Can't you build a snowman in the desert?
Are You chasing an imaginary treasure?

Walls, they go under and there over the top (over the top)
They haven't made a cage strong enough to keep 'em keep 'em keep 'em (Keep 'Em)
Mountains are enormous, but they all have a top
It's up to someone with a dream to come and reach 'em reach 'em reach 'em (Reach 'Em)

It's Just A Dream
You're Only Dreamin'
Another Dream

Will love be yours, if so, will it last? (will it last)
When the summer's past, summers past (yeah)
When you're alone, starin up at the moon (up at the moon)
Is it staring at you (staring at you)
You're lucky dime you didn't mean to spend
Will you ever see it again? (see it again)

Walls, they go under then there over the top (over the top)
They haven't made a cage strong enough to keep 'em keep 'em keep 'em (Keep 'Em)
Mountains are enormous, but they all have a top
It's up to someone with a dream to come and reach 'em reach 'em reach 'em (Come Reach 'Em)

It's Just A Dream
You're Only Dreamin'
Another Dream

Walls, they go under then there over the top (over the top!)
They haven't made a cage strong enough to keep 'em keep 'em keep 'em(Strong Enough To Keep 'Em!)
Mountains are enormous, but they all have a top (They All Have A Top!)
It's up to someone with a dream to come and reach 'em reach 'em reach 'em(Come And Reach 'Em!)

Yeah, come and reach em
Only a dream
It's just a dream
It's just a dream
And then they go on in your head and you would scream
Holdin Back your dreams
Yeah, ohh, holdin back your dreams
Yeah, Hold Always Dreamin' Never Always Dreamin'

Elmo blacked out at 12:13 AM

Thursday, December 30, 2004

I Fucked Up
I Fucked Up
I Fucked Up
I Fucked Up

Guess what, I Fucked Up! Of course, it was only a matter of time, right?

Right, so anyway, xmas sucked, but i got the "book of answers" from kelly. yay, joy. yeah, the first serious question i asked it, i of course got the "No" page. I'll give you a guess at to what the question was a bout. it was a person. now, go ahead... guess, i know you can do it! Yeha, i basicly asked if i should give up on D and call it quits. Ok, yes.. it's a fucking novelty book, i know. But dude, we all know some of the shit i believe in. omens, karma, ect...

so anyway, i get a text from her sayin' i should come to the store she works at, and finish out the punch card she cheated through, so of course like a little lap dog, i go. get there late since i got the text late, and miss the opportuniity. oh well, no biggie, i get to bull shit with her for a little in the check out, so thats cool. insert physical flirtations on both parts.

tonight we ended up talking on the phone, and she seemd a little distant. has been for a while now, i think ever since out second 'what are we' talk. who knos, not important... all you needa know is its not the first time. convo is over, and i decide to text'er and see if i pissed her off.

"sometimes i can only take you in small doses, could be again i havent talked to anyone all day. i was spacey on the phone w/mom too"

ouch. umm.. not what i asked, but i think i see where its goin'. than told'er she seemed kinda distant since the last 'what are we' convo. had something else in there too, but don't remember what it was... as there really wasn't a reply to that part of it

"that could be, shouldn't have had that 2nd talk. i'm tryin', u seem to catch me at bad times"

said soemthign along the lines of 'at times you seem to want nothing to do with me, and others is the complete opposite.' its close, has the same point.

"ok?"

gave her examples

"sorry"

"i guess i'm curious and just wanna know if i should continue." or soemthing along those lines. never got a reply. sent a "sorry" and haven't heard anything yet. don't plan on it. -shrug- it hurts. i'm kinda hopin' that it was delayed and all, as the restaurant wasn't a good area for cell/text reception.

lets see, where did i fuck up.

1) asked if i pissed her off
2) shed light onto it
3) asked if she wants me to continue to show interest.
4) OVER ANALYZIED/SELF-INFORMATION

i'm curious, but i know the answer. it sucks. lots. everything i said tonight was a fuck up... i hate thinking... got nothing to lose anymore though, right?

now, before you get into it, i have no hard feelings against her. it's all my shit. i'm not pissed at her in anyway, just myself for bein' so fuckin' dumb. some people don't work out, and i'm counting that as the catagory that i ended up with reguarding her. -shrug- shit happens... it seems dark, and desperate, and thats how its gonna be i'm gathering from all this shit that goes around. i guess i'm glad it was short as opposed to long... seems to me it's easier to move on that way. i kinda wish i could stop putting people on pedastles.

and here i go talkin' like a seasoned pro... woo! fuck you.

find your own fucking lyrics...

Elmo blacked out at 10:27 PM